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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29553180">Date Night!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoopsy/pseuds/thoopsy'>thoopsy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Half Life Mermaid AU [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Half-Life</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, M/M, Mute Gordon Freeman, because this is the mermaid au, keep yourself safe you know, there are mentions of millipedes in this one</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:41:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,012</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29553180</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoopsy/pseuds/thoopsy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gordon Freeman accidentally invited Barney to a dinner date! Oops! Will they ever admit they're into each other?</p><p>Worse, Alyx has decided she's gonna help.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alyx has a girlfriend but she's not IN this one so I'm not tagging it, Barney Calhoun &amp; Alyx Vance, Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman, Gordon Freeman &amp; Alyx Vance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Half Life Mermaid AU [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1944652</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Russell'd Up Grub</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you for your patience! My birthday got me into a new craft. I've been very busy with pouring resin and then sitting still for 24 hours until it's time to demold them.</p><p>WARNING: there are mentions of bugs in this one, not super descriptive, but if that is an issue please don't attend this one.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Lauren was beginning to be a familiar sight in Gordon’s life. Lauren being, of course, Barney’s old red truck. She was louder than most cars Gordon’d been in, and he could feel every bump in the road no matter how small, but with Barney himself behind the wheel, he didn’t usually feel so anxious about it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t surprised in the least when Lauren came around the bend. The jovial honking was new. And, it was going faster than Barney usually drove-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon took a couple steps back in alarm. Cool air whizzed by him and, more importantly, so did Lauren. He wasn’t in danger of being hit but it was still closer than he would’ve liked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watched with wide eyes as Lauren pulled back around, heart pounding in his ears. The passenger door opened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am SO sorry!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gordon! We didn’t hit you right, Doc? Alyx’s still new.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sure enough, Barney hadn’t been the one in the driver's seat. He could see an unfamiliar face poking out from behind Barney, looking sheepish.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m alive.” Gordon assured Barney as he popped out of the car, already scanning him over for injuries. There was no need, it wasn’t like they hit him, but it was still sweet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn, I sure hope so!” Hands gripped his shoulders, and Gordon got a real look at Barney. He was wearing pearl earrings, which was a surprise. He didn’t even know he had pierced ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next thing he noticed were his lips. Were they… pinker than usual?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>HONK.</em>
  </b>
  <span> “Get in or I’ll run you over again!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He jumped back like he was burned, quickly diverting his eyes. No romantically charged thoughts. He had to stay on his game if he didn’t want Barney to snipe the check.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> want Barney to snipe the check. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barney cleared his throat. “Ah, wanna sit in the middle or?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll take shotgun.” He looked back at him to make sure he’d gotten it. Barney looked distracted, so he tried again. “S-h-o-t-g-u-n.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, sure, sure.” There was a long pause where both of them stood there, not looking at each other. Until Alyx honked again. “RIGHT! That means me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barney hopped in and Gordon slid in behind him, pulling the door shut as gently as he could. It didn’t close, so he opened it again and slammed it this time. Good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Took you long enough.” Alyx said from behind the wheel. She looked young and had short, poofy hair held back by a fabric headband. It was warm outside today but despite that, she was wearing a leather jacket. “We </span>
  <em>
    <span>might</span>
  </em>
  <span> still be able to get there before the best table’s taken!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon was barely buckled in before Lauren took off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Alyx, you must be Gordon, right?” She held out a hand across Barney’s face, nearly smacking him with it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Please</span>
  </em>
  <span> keep your hands on the wheel.” He groaned. This seemed like a frequent issue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t acknowledge what he said, but placed her hand back anyway. “Barney’s told me </span>
  <em>
    <span>all</span>
  </em>
  <span> about you. Thought it was about time we met!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not </span>
  <em>
    <span>all</span>
  </em>
  <span> about you, I don’t spill your secrets!” Barney quickly assured him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know his secrets? Ooooooh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon couldn’t help the smile tugging at his lips. These two seemed like they knew each other really well. He patted Barney’s lap to get his attention. “Tell her it’s nice to meet her, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They swerved wildly for seemingly no reason.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure if this was going to be a very long drive or a </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> short one. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Barney was the one who picked the place and it </span>
  <em>
    <span>looked</span>
  </em>
  <span> fine from the outside. It was distinctly… Seafood restaurant shaped. On the front was a bright neon sign in orange declaring this place was called </span>
  <em>
    <span>Russell’d Up Grub</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The name made it sound like a western place, so he really had no idea what to expect when he stepped through the door. Or, when he held the door for his companions. He was polite.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mostly he was trying to identify Alyx’s pride patches on her jacket, on the way in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It would be hard to describe the whiplash he got from his thoughts pinging between </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh! I’m not the only trans person here!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> to </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Did someone raid an estate sale?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The wallpaper was floral, for one. The receptionist desk was empty but it did have a small figurine of a baseball player standing on top. And, mounted on the podium there was a real anchor. With silk flowers glued to it. He was getting </span>
  <em>
    <span>such</span>
  </em>
  <span> mixed messages here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s still open! Come on.” Alyx grabbed his sleeve and guided him to one side of a booth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unlike every other place he’d ever been, there was an actual tablecloth. Not a plain white one, either. It was just as floral as the wallpaper, and completely clashed with the copper, nearly steampunk, napkin rings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could see why Alyx liked this seat so much, though. It was a nice distance from the jukebox, and next to him was what looked to be a repurposed lobster tank. Further adding to the </span>
  <em>
    <span>this was once a seafood place</span>
  </em>
  <span> vibe. He couldn’t tell what was inhabiting it yet, just that there was a good amount of greenery. There was a lacey doily on top. Who </span>
  <em>
    <span>decorated</span>
  </em>
  <span> this place?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alyx slid in right next to him and shoved an entire binder into his hands, from where he couldn’t tell you. It was labelled in bold, </span>
  <b>MENU.</b>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Barney sat on the other side. While that made the most sense conversationally, he still couldn’t help but be a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little</span>
  </em>
  <span> disappointed. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>liked</span>
  </em>
  <span> getting to be near Barney.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took the following moments of silence to start to look over the menu. The kindest way he could’ve described it was “eclectic.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Pad Thai </span>
  </em>
  <span>was directly next to </span>
  <em>
    <span>Baked Apples</span>
  </em>
  <span>. His eyebrows tried to meet in the middle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw shoot, none of us know today’s specials, huh?” He looked up from this truly baffling document to see Barney tilt his head the same way he always did, right before he bet Gordon something. “I’m sure Alyx would be happy to go ask Russell for us, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure how he felt about there being </span>
  <em>
    <span>more</span>
  </em>
  <span> options, but more importantly, “There’s someone here named-?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alyx didn’t give him the chance to finish his question. “Oh, you want the chance to show off the </span>
  <em>
    <span>grub</span>
  </em>
  <span> part, huh, Barney?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There went any smug aura he was giving off. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Eugh,</span>
  </em>
  <span> no thank you.” He made a little move closer to the edge of the booth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what I thought.” She said with a nod, then nudged his shoulder, “Ever held a millipede?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The tank was making a little more sense now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going, I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>going!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Barney got up and started walking away, arms held up in a mock-surrender. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alyx was looking at him expectantly now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon realized a couple moments too late he’d lost his translator. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He held up one finger, his other hand unzipping his fanny pack, the shark one again today, to pull out his pen and pad of paper. He almost grabbed his sudoku by mistake, but the texture of his conversations journal was pretty distinct.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a small, rectangular book covered in shimmering pink fabric. Modeled to look like a hoodie with a functional pocket and everything. He’d gotten it for fifty cents at a thrift store once. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that’s smart!” Alyx seemed to realize what it was for, so he lowered his finger as he wrote.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I would love to hold a millipede.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” He slid it over to her and her face lit up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well you’re in luck!” She slid under the table. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What? </span>
  </em>
  <span>“We’ve got gloves down here, not that I need them!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sure enough, when Alyx popped back up she was holding a clear, disposable glove. She also ended up on the other side of the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look like you wear a medium, slip it on your dominant.” She said as she handed it to him, “I don’t need any, turns out I’m immune to the juice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hastily scribbled down </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Juice?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> and slid the notebook her way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, the gunk! They secrete fluid sometimes and it irritates skin but </span>
  <em>
    <span>I!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” She grinned and pointed a thumb at herself, “Am just too tough!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon put on the glove.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Barney liked living with the Vance-Kleiners. He’d been born a shark, so family was a bit… Hard to come by. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite a hard early life in the ocean, and maybe an even harder one as a human kid who could barely put three words together, this family of certifiable geniuses thought he was worth something. It still baffled him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felt natural to be with others, though. Blue sharks are </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> solitary creatures, but he sorta had to be. He’d never be able to tell you why, but he’d never been allowed to </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span> with others of his species. Maybe they could tell he was different? Maybe sharks were a little more intuitive than folks gave em credit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, at moments like this, he had to remind himself why he stuck around. He loved these people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the other hand, Alyx </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to tag along to his first dinner out with Gordon. It was payback for teasing her about Chell, that was the only explanation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was different. This was a friendly get-together that Gordon invited him on… For some reason! There was one, and it probably made a whole lot of sense in a platonic, guys-who-are-friends sort of way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then again, he’d </span>
  <em>
    <span>winked.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alyx’d helped him decide which shirt to pick before backing him into a metaphorical corner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t a date. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> dating Gordon, it was definitely a misinterpretation. Had to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But if this wasn’t a date, if this was just a friendly get together, there was no reason she </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> come. She needed to practice her driving anyway, right? Plus, the two of them would get on like a house on fire, he knew that for sure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, now instead of getting to talk to Gordon about nothing in particular, he ended up here. Considering his life choices near Russell’s bar as he waited for him to do… somethin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> to know what she was doing with the booth thing. The specials ploy came back to bite him so fast, he wasn’t even sure what he’d been hoping to accomplish. Maybe it was just revenge for the sake of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now she was probably talking to him about millipede’s role in decomposition and giving poor Gordon the most scientific shovel talk he’d ever gotten. Which was, again, unnecessary because this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> a date.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No matter how much he wanted it to be!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This might be unfixable.” Russell announced, startling him from his thoughts. He was holding up a gizmo Barney wouldn’t be able to put a name to with a dictionary and ten years. “Could you ask Alyx about this next time you see her, she fixed the microwave after I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>sure</span>
  </em>
  <span> it’d exploded its last.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t know what the microwave could be used for around here but suddenly, he didn’t want anything from it. “Sure, I’ll tell her but-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, she still has a lot to learn from </span>
  <em>
    <span>me!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Russell declared, device held to his chest as he puffed himself up. “I’m one of the best technicians there ever was. An inventor!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Here they went.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She may be a young prodigy but I have years of experience under my belt. That’s important, well earned.” He beat his hand against his chest twice, then seemed to realize what he’d implied. His shoulders climbed up near his ears, “Not too many years! Just enough, a well-rounded amount.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Russell, I just want the specials.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Russell actually looked at him now, properly in the face. He looked confused. “What?” Before Barney had time to open his mouth again, “Oh, right! Give me a minute.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barney wanted to say somethin’ sarcastic, like </span>
  <em>
    <span>I already have</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but it was too late. Russell’d went further into the back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed and started to lean against a wall in a rare blank spot between a painting of a very odd-lookin’ kitten and a </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> old wall phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, if Gordon couldn’t handle Alyx it wouldn’t work out anyway, right? She was part of the package. If he was going to be part of this fa- </span>
  <em>
    <span>platonic friend group</span>
  </em>
  <span>, stop getting ahead of yourself, he’d have to be able to handle a few minutes alone with Barney’s sister. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes scanned over the top of Russell’s counter. There was a tray he’d never seen before with a glass lid. It was covering a cake, what kind he couldn’t really tell. Glued to the top of the dome was a fake donut. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cute? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Russell made his reappearance known with a crashing sound. “That probably wasn’t important.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The specials?” Barney prompted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He held up a small whiteboard with an audible </span>
  <em>
    <span>woosh</span>
  </em>
  <span> sound. “Well! You are in luck, my friend, because today we have </span>
  <em>
    <span>most</span>
  </em>
  <span> of an anniversary cake.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had a lot of questions. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why are there leftovers,</span>
  </em>
  <span> for instance. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Who had their anniversary dinner here,</span>
  </em>
  <span> was another. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Did you really need to go to the back when it’s been right here this whole time? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, if he asked any of that he’d have to listen to the answer. “Thank you, Russell.” He said instead and turned to walk away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anytime!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What a guy.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Funny Chapter Title</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's getting warmer outside again! Which means sitting on my porch and thinking about writing, but playing Cookie Run instead.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Gordon was honestly having a blast watching his new friend crawl around. Every once and while, Alyx would turn the millipede, Grubbers, around if it got too close to his exposed arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grubbers was, as Alyx put it, “locally sourced.” Meaning, she found it out back. It was small enough to fit in his hand if it curled into a ball, and striped red and brown, alternating across the body segments. It smelled like the garden section of a Lowe’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The garden section was always his favorite other than the paint color section, so Gordon was pleased.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He only became aware of Barney’s return when the table shook as he slid in next to Gordon. “I respect your bravery, Doc. You wouldn’t get me to hold one of those things if you paid me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wimp!” Alyx pointed across the table at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Simp!” He fired back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon would’ve thought that was a made-up word, except. “Not anymore, can’t simp for someone you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>dating.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Try it sometime.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I will.” Barney declared, crossing his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon wanted to hand Grubbers back, but with only one glove all he could really do was put his hand next to Alyx’s and hope it got the message.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good luck with that. Wha’d Russell say about today’s specials?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grubbers was not getting the message.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s cake for today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know Russell could bake…” Alyx nudged his hand. “Hey, do you want help with that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon nodded. Grubbers was enjoying staying completely still for the first time since he’d picked it up. It was sad to make it leave when it just got comfy, but Gordon would like to socialize with humans, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could imagine the startled waving of a couple hundred legs was instead a fond wave goodbye as Grubbers was picked up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well! He was free to talk to Barney, now. “What flavor cake?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barney blanched. “I didn’t ask.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What didn’t you ask?” Alyx lifted the lid of the terrarium and put their mutual friend back inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It doesn’t matter, it’s cake. There’s only so much you can do with it, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon was still looking at the terrarium, where Alyx was having to reopen the lid. She got the doily caught the first time she closed it. Both of her hands tried to solve the same problem in the same way, which meant neither of them did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grubbers was trying to climb the wall from the inside, unsuccessfully flailing against the glass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alyx seemed to realize she needed one hand to open the lid, and the other to pull the doily out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was red, I guess.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Barney thought color was the only variety in cake, he was about to have his whole world rocked. “There’s actually a lot of varieties! Vanilla and chocolate are the standard, but there are also carrot cakes, red forest, red velvet, fruitcake-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was cut off by a hand on his shoulder. A big, warm hand on his shoulder. “Slow down a little for me, Darlin’?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon took a deep breath, and nodded. He’d been accused of getting over-excited once or twice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The table shook. “I’M gonna order us drinks!” Alyx winked and slid out of the booth, quicker than Gordon would’ve been able to move. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a long moment where they both watched her go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then Barney looked back at him and quickly removed his hand, like he’d been burned. That was a shame, Gordon liked the contact. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was just listing different kinds of cakes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no worries, I picked up on that. You lost me on the particulars.” Barney held up a hand. “BUT! Before we get too deep into cakes I’ve got a question. Did Alyx even ask you what you wanted to drink?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope! I haven’t touched the menu since you left.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s probably for the best. It’s a bit confusing at first.” Barney reached across Gordon to get to the menu. It was nice to be casually brushed up against sometimes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The binder was laid open in front of them both, and they scooched closer to each other to make it easier. Side to side. That was nice, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So the first thing that can be confusing is the number of things on it, right?” Gordon nodded, it was a very large binder. “That’s because it’s really just a list of recipes Russell </span>
  <em>
    <span>thinks</span>
  </em>
  <span> he </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> cook, if somebody asked.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyebrows once again scrunched together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a weird system, I agree, but if it wasn’t like this, Russell’d probably make everybody look through his downloaded recipes. This way, at least, we’ve got these.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barney dove into an explanation of the menu, pointing out little symbols written in Sharpie next to the dish’s name, courtesy of Alyx. If there was a checkmark, “some brave soul” had ordered it before. An X meant they didn’t like it, an O meant they did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It made about as much sense as everything else around here, so Gordon quickly accepted it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do have one question.” He said, and pointed at the Baked Apples on the menu. There was nothing beside it except what looked… Vaguely like a skull? He could also convince himself it was a crude drawing of a duck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that.” Barney’s face hardened into something much more serious. “Never get apple dishes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon tilted his head in concern, “Would you like to talk about it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah,” He waved his hand as if to clear away the worry, once again smiling like nothing had ever been wrong. “It’s not important, and we’ll have plenty of time for gossip after we order, anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon smoothed his own expression. He was still concerned, but if Barney didn’t want to elaborate, that was… Fine?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, thanks for your help.” He said, and started looking at the menu in earnest. Neither of them leaned away from each other, and so he read through the list in comfortable silence.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>It took enormous willpower not to turn back around and take glances at Gordon and Barney as she went. How much </span>
  <em>
    <span>less subtle</span>
  </em>
  <span> could they get?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alyx ducked into the bar, around the bead curtain, headed for the glasses. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Alyx!” Russell greeted her with a smile, “Perfect timing. A gadget went kaput on me tonight, pretty rude if I say so. And I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I say it with conviction!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alyx rolled her eyes, out of view from anyone but the cups in the lowest shelf of the bar. “I’m sure you do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She started grabbing glasses. Having only two arms to work with could be so inconvenient, but she still made quick work of getting all three cups she’d need.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hand it over.” She declared, holding out one of her hands for the device. The other one was filling a cup with ice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, wait. Just a minute, young lady. This is </span>
  <em>
    <span>important.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” When she looked over, Russell was clutching something to his chest protectively. “I want your assurances it will be </span>
  <em>
    <span>replaced</span>
  </em>
  <span> if you break it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What? “Isn’t it already broken?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>acting up.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” He said, like those were two different things. Those absolutely weren’t two different things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of arguing about it, it would go </span>
  <em>
    <span>nowhere</span>
  </em>
  <span> and she had other plans for today, she just acquiesced. “If I break it, we’ll find you a new one online.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It better be an old one, they don’t make like these like they used to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of saying something stupid about how this one couldn’t be that great, it broke, </span>
  <span>Alyx kept her mouth shut and filled another glass with ice. She’d just have to remember for later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Russell </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span> handed over what he’d broken. It was a handheld metal device, about the size of her palm, with a turning mechanism on top. “Oh hey, I recognize this! It’s your bottle opener.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That is not a bottle opener.” He said with a huff. “A bottle opener is the thing you use for the kind with the caps that you… Peh!” He mimed popping the top off a bottle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That you peh?” She shot him an unimpressed look, hands already fiddling with the bottle opener. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The top part, made of teal plastic instead of metal, was connected to a gear. Turn it and it’d extend or retract two grippers. They had ridges on them to fit into the grooves of soda bottles, or peanut butter jars.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was jammed in the fully open position.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah! That you peh.” He mimed it again. “So that is </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> a bottle opener.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, it’s a…” There was writing on the underside for her to read off, “Top Off Jar and Bottle Screw Top Opener.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bit of a mouthful, that one. Tojabsto.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alyx slipped it into one of her pockets and began filling glasses with water. “I was right, though, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> a bottle opener.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Agree to disagree.” Russell only said that if he thought she was being dumb, but she’d take it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She smoothly switched from filling one glass with water to another. “Have you seen Barney and his new friend together, yet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ooh, stray dog?” He perked up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope.” She said over the sound of ice clinking as she placed down a now fully watered cup.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is he a cat person?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was so hard to not say something stupid like </span>
  <em>
    <span>nah, he’s a shark person.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Instead she settled for, “He gets nightmares about cats sometimes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, that sounds pretty </span>
  <em>
    <span>ruff</span>
  </em>
  <span>… Hm, worked better if he was afraid of dogs, actually. I’ll have to remember it for next time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll let you know if anyone’s afraid of dogs, okay?” Final cup. “His new friend’s actually a human guy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What a twist!” Russell declared without </span>
  <em>
    <span>any</span>
  </em>
  <span> sense of irony as she grabbed a serving tray to put their waters on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was just asking if you’d seen them together because I wanted testimonials to tease Barney with.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I haven’t yet, so you’ll just have to get creative.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Won’t be a problem!” She winked. “Well I’m gonna go get their orders and tease ‘em a bit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To avoid getting bead curtain germs in the waters, she just didn’t pick up the tray until she’d gotten to the other side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have fun!” Russell declared with a wide smile. “Tell me the </span>
  <em>
    <span>hot gos</span>
  </em>
  <span> later!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alyx was just thinking about how much she hated whoever taught him that phrase when she spotted Gordon and Barney at the table, leaning against each other as they looked at the menu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She just got a </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> great idea about how to pull Barney's chain. Good thing he was too busy cuddling his not-a-date to see the misch</span>
  <span>ief plain on her face.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The millipedes we had when I was a kid were rusty red! Thank you to my beta reader, Tuna, for reminding me to describe it at least a little, because not everyone's gonna picture my childhood bug pets.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This was gonna be one chapter but then I decided that I wanted attention, so here you go! I've already got part of the next part written up, so let's see how long the wait ends up being.</p><p>We had millipedes when we were kids. More specifically, my older brother had some! I think they were "rusty red millipedes". I think I would like to have them again someday.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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